Originally posted to uk.media.radio.archers on November 7th 1999. Thanks, for inspiration above and beyond the call of duty, must go to Winston Adams, aka Win Adams, Winifred Adams, or Wijn van Sjambok-Zwaart, for his dynamic, tasteful and original postings to u.m.r.a, alt.religion.christian, and rec.sport.rugby.union. You might like to check some out here

Sadly, the postings which were dynamic weren't tasteful, and those which were tasteful weren't original...

(One craves forgiveness for taking the time to explain that the denizens of u.m.r.a are known as Umrats).

Ye Booke of Winston, Chapter IV

i. And it did come to pass in the land of Um-ra.

ii. For is it not written, that he who is tired of Um-ra, beith tired of Life itself.

iii. And truly, shall he not cast himself into the Wilderness, where the beasts and the birds shall feed of his Flesh, for verily hath he left no hope on Earth.

iv. And they, who calleth themselves the Um-rats; are they not the most bless-ed by the Lord, in His wisdom?

v. And the Um-rats looked upon their land, and they saw that it was good.

vi. Now there came one day among the Um-rats, a certain Win-ston, who spake in an mighty voice.

vii. "Verily", spake he, "thou must smite the Infidel, with an great big smite. The filthy Hin-doo, and the Mohammedan, sore must they be smitten".

viii. "For does not the Book say this must be done, even as the grasshopper cleaveth unto the hungry rook, so shalt thou smite them".

ix. And Win-ston looked upon the smiting, and he saw that it was good.

x. And there arose certain of the Um-rats, who did say: "O, thou that is called Win-ston. Thou art an false prophet. And what sort of name is Win-ston, for an prophet, anyway? Thou shouldst by rights be call-ed Elijah, or Ezekiel, or something Biblical, innit".

xi. And Win-ston paid no heed, for his mind was on smiting the Filthy Hin-doo. And on and on did he smite.

xii. And then arose more of the Um-rats. And there grew an mighty clamour and noise, as of one thousand dustbins falling downstairs at once.

xiii. "O, thou false prophet", did they say. "Thou art nothing but an blackguard and scoundrel". "Ho, thou follower of Onan", quoth the mighty Fairbairns, yea, he whose beard is thick and tangly, even as an haw-thorn hedge. "Thou vexatious piece of snot", they didst say, and "Oh, thou vacuous turd", and many another name.

xiv. And Win-ston heeded them not, for in his head, he did smite the Hin-Doo more.

Chapter V
i. And the Um-rats grew wonderly wroth.

ii. And their brows did furrow, yea, even as the field whereupon the farmer planteth his winter wheat.

iii. And they did wail, and g-nash their teeth. For even as the basilisk doth bollock the cockatrice, so wouldst they speak against the false Prophet Win-ston, yet he would have none of it.

iv. And it came to pass, that the Angel of the Lord did speak privily unto certain of the Um-rats.

v. "Verily, the Prophet Win-ston is an loud and clattering man", the Angel did say.

vi. "But pray, hold thine horses with regard to this one. For is it not written, the Lord moves in mysterious ways. And as the gryphon doth roger the gatepost by mistake, so shalt Win-ston be undone".

vii. And then the Angel of the Lord did appear even more privily unto Win-ston.

viii. "Thou that is called Win-ston", saith the Angel. "Verily, thy words are magnificent. As do the bees around an honeypot, so do the people come to hear thee speak. And when thou commandeth them to smite the Filthy Hin-doo, be ye sure they hang on every word".

ix. And the Angel did say: "But I wilt tell thou what. If thou didst now hold forth against those Filthy followers of Sodom, that do play the Rug-by, they would think it all the better. And if you didst plague those who do call themselves alt.rec.christian, with pages of turgid shite plagiarised from an sleazy website somewhere, O, how they wilt worship thee. And if thou didst then announce that thou were only joking - they will be amazed".

x. "And the name of Win-ston wilt be praised throughout the land, even unto the ITN News, with the mighty Trevor McDonald, peace be upon him".

xi. And so the Prophet Win-ston did as the Angel of the Lord suggested, an hundredfold.

xii. And when the Um-rats heard the words that Win-ston did spake, they did fall about a-laughing. Verily they did p*ss themselves to hear such tosh.

Chapter VI

i. And Winston grew wonderly wroth.

ii. And he did wail, and rent his clothes, and g-nash his teeth, and became more wroth than the man who doth stub his toe getting out of bed, and hath his house re-possess-ed by the company of Mort-gage, and whose wife doth run off with the man from The Pru, all in the same day.

iii. And he did cry out "Ichabod!".

iv. Which is to say "You b*stards, you're really for it this time!".

v. But the people of Um-ra heard Winston not, for his words were as nothing to them in their mirth. As gnat's poo to a whale, so did his words seem to them.

vi. And they became again as happy as the man they do call 'Larry', for reasons as yet unknown.

vii. And they looked upon the land of Um-ra, and they saw that it was good.

The End


Updated February 16th 2004
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