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Manual Intestine Writes
This was originally posted to Umra in September of 1999, in response to what was presumed to be spam, from a rather excitable Italian. One assumes it was spam, anyway. Could have been a declaration of war, a cry for help, anything. Ah, whatever...
Emanuele Colonnelli (Manual Intestine) writes:
>Salve, mi chiamo Emanuele,
Sage! my friend, also called Emanuele,
>e se avrai la pazienza di leggere questo
And did you get your leg over with one of my patients?
>messaggio,riceverai delle informazioni molto interessanti.
My very interesting message is about rice, truly
>Sitratta
I have trained my pet rodent exceedingly well
>di poter guadagnare NAVIGANDO IN INTERNET.
god knows, but it's got the magic 'I' word in it - must be good. I'm
getting a warm tingly feeling already, just saying the word.
>COME SI FA?
D'you come from round 'ere then?
>E' molto semplice
He has many lice, called semp
>, la ALL ADVANTAGE,
all very privileged
> una grossa società americana che si
>occupa di pubblicità
the pub is occupied by a big fat american lady
>, ha studiato un sistema multilevel,
whose sister studied at a multistorey carpark
> che ti permette
che guevara's small hairdo
> che ti connetti,
che throws confetti
> purché tu accetti di farti inviare
to buy me the accent of an involuntary fart
>un piccolo banner
of one who would outlaw small piercing wind instruments
> su cui
Sue waves and tries to attract attention
> scorrono delle pubblicità
but the fat american lady is still in the pub
>Il sistema è semplice
My sister's now got lice called semp, too
>, le grandi società pagano
the big pagan society
> la ALL ADVANTAGE per pubblicare
are making an offer to the landlord of the pub
> i loro spot sui nostri banner
of a poster reading 'Lord, I've got a boil on my nose'
> la "fetta più grossa",
The big smelly goat's cheese
>logicamente
logically
>se la prende la ALL ADVANTAGE
takes up the offer,
>che però alla fine
Che seems alright to me.
>di ogni mese
Dunno, but it's an anagram of I'm Diogenes. Barrel of laughs, eh?
>fa
distantly
>il conto delle ore in
he puts his oar in
>cui sei stato
stato says cui
>che ti spetta:
Che's so mad, he could spit!
>$0.50, circa 950 LIRE Italiane per ogni ora di connessione.
50 cents!! That's nearly 950 Lira for a blow-job from the commissioner's lamb!
>MA NON FINISCE QUI!!!!
Mum! Don't stop! What?
>Il bello, infatti,
The war, in fact.
>deve ancora venire
Come wearing devious angora,
>perché se tu parteciperai a questa
bought while you were taking part in a quiz
>iniziativa avrai la possibilità
Is there any chance....
>di ASSUMERE ALTRA GENTE, proprio
I mean, I assume you're a proper gent, like.....
>come sto facendo io,
Come, stand facing me
>con mio sommo divertimento,
with my sumptuous diversions
>e la ALL ADVANTAGE ti riconoscerà
and consider my offer of a rhinoceros
>altri
'Ave it your way then.
>soldi per ogni ora di connessione
Soldier on with the commissioner's lamb
>ECCEZIONALE VERO?
Is that what really happened?
>Appena questi si connettono
I happened to ask for a cornet,
>è come se ti stessero
an' 'e comes out wiv all this stress
>già pagando.
Dunno. Could be secret code for "Giant Panda". Obviously it's a plot to smuggle endangered species.
>Vorrei farti notare
Worried his farting had been noticed
>che mandando questi messaggi alle news group
Che maintained he was looking for a massage in the alley when he met a bunch of journalists
>,
,
>io mi
Tony Iomi (the guitarist with Black Sabbath)
>stopagando l'Università
stopped to look at the University
>ed è come se non pagassi la bolletta del telefono.
when ed came by, didn't see the pagassi, and hit his bollocks on the telephone
>PERCHE' NON PROVARE?
No purchase required?
>Io sono dell'idea
Sounds like a top idea!
>che quando sitratta di LAVORO
How many trained pet rodents did Che wash
>non bisogna mai rifiutare
without refuting bison?
>nulla,
None,
>del resto un po' di soldi in più non guastanomica
the rest of a pot of soldiers in piety not gastronomy,
>anche se già hai un lavoro
Anchovies have him running to the toilet.
>ORA PASSIAMO AL SODO.
Pass me from oral to anal
>I BANNER SONO STUDIATI
Bloody noisy students should be banned
>IN QUESTO MODO
if you ask me
>1. non rallentano la connessione
Don't rattle the commissioner (he'll probably set his lamb on you)
>2. non interferiscono con altri programmi del tuo PC.
or attempt to change to another channel to watch The Bill
>3. possono essere ridotti a icona.
if a possum is trying to ride on your icon.
>Per ulteriori spiegazioni tecniche
For ultimate spaghetti technique
>del Banner ti rimando a visitare il sito
Del Banner reminds his guests to sit down
>http://www.alladvantage.com/go.asp?refid=DRZ780
Huttpuh.wwwowwwww.verygood.ripoff/go-away.BLOODYBIGSNAKE!? Hang on. I
don't think this bit is Italian, y'know.
>tramite il quale puoi anche
Transmitting the kale smelly anchovies
>iscriverti se deciderai di farlo.
it is written that he decided to follow.
>Ill Banner non rallenta la connessione
Del Banner's sickly brother won't rattle the commissioner either
(probably afraid of the lamb)
>e non causa rallentamenti o conflitti al sistema
and won't pick a fight with his sister
>operativo.
the opera singer.
>La logica di tale
The moral of this story:
>iniziativa è che le ditte
Invite Che to sing his well-loved song
>pagano la All Advanced
"Pagano the Intellectually Superior"
>un tot per le loro pubblicità
Buy a glass of rum for the pub landlord
>che è decisamente superiore a quanto la A.A
and Che decides he's better by far than Alcoholics Anonymous.
And it all gets very ugly very quickly.....
>ridistribuisca
Spread the word around
>a chi fa parte dell'iniziativa con diretto
to whom the distant bit Del initially conned directly
>!
!
>Le pubblicità sul banner sono per il 90% di prodotti
The landlord puts up a poster advertising very cheap drinks
>di informatica o di servizi in rete.
This information puts the staff in a tizz.
Meanwhile......
>SARAI PAGATO IN QUESTO MODO:
Sara Pagato is in a quizzical mood.
>$ 0,50 per ora di collegamento mensile
50 cents for a blow-job from a hot college girl
>(circa L. 950) che ti saranno
or 950 Lira to see Che wearing a sarong
>accreditate mensilmente
Guaranteed madman!
What a difficult choice for a girl to be faced with. Which option will
she choose? Will the pub landlord's staff do a mass walk-out before the
big event? And will Che sober up in time to realise his mistake?
And still to come in next week's thrilling episode:
>PUOI LASCIARE L'ATTIVITA'
I don't like your attitude, smelly lascars
>QUANDO VUOI E SENZA PROBLEMI
Any of you got a problem?
>BASTA ANDARE NEL SITO.
I'll 'ave you bastards with my bare hands if you don't sit down.
>Visto che il sito di Alladvantage è in Inglese
See Che sit on the advantageous English,
Tune in next time to find out, on
"Manual Intestine Writes"